Joey Fatone’s Open Letter to One Direction

Joey Fatone, formerly of N'SYNC, has some sobering news for the guys of One Direction after they announced their break up coming in 2016...

"Dear Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan and Harry Styles,

Hey guys. It’s Joey Fatone, former member of NSync and current announcer on Family Feud, the job I’ve always dreamed of. This weekend, while sitting on the toilet and crying (I LOVE MY LIFE!!!) I flipped through my iPhone and saw that you’d announced a "one-year hiatus" beginning in March. I just wanted to congratulate you guys and wish you well! I’m sure 2016 will be a wonderful time for everyone from One Direction to pursue some independent projects before regrouping as a stronger band one year later! Here’s to spreading your wings!

HAHAHAHA, PSYCH.

Here’s how it’s gonna go down, fellas. While you’re all on hiatus, Harry will record some dope singles with Beyonce, Ryan Adams and Wiz Khalifa, come out with a killer solo album produced by Pharrell and Timbaland, cut his hair, dye his hair, do a second less awesome album, let his hair grow super long and wear it in two braids, crush a self-effacing cameo in a Judd Apatow movie, buzz his hair and release a third, self-produced album on which he hints at being bisexual that everyone will call his “best work.”

The rest of you are f****d. I mean f****d . I am the second most-successful former member of NSync and I am Joey Fatone. Say that out loud to yourself: “Besides Justin Timberlake, Joey Fatone is the most successful member of NSync.”

Here’s me being a spokesman for Bosley hair restoration last year:

Best case scenario, you’ll do a 6-week stint in Minions: The Musical! on Broadway before you bounce around different hosting jobs on channels like Spike and TruTv. Do you know what Chris Kirkpatrick is doing? Because I don’t. He’s completely unreachable. He might be managing a Best Buy in Sacramento, he might be dead. No one knows. Louis, I’m looking at you.

There is one exception: If one of you is gay you might have a shot. Wait till One Direction has been dead for two years, kiss your hot boyfriend at an awards show, then ride that relevance like a beautiful boner and pray to god you get a show on Bravo.

It’s not that you guys aren’t talented, it’s that Harry is so, so much cuter, cooler and more talented than the rest of you. Deep down, you’ve always known that, but you will never truly understand it until you’re in your grimy little condo, sitting in your boxers, sucking a chow mein noodle off your Playstation controller and watching Harry blow it up on SNL .

Jesus I wish I was still in NSync. Jesus… JESUS F**K! I would give all my hair to go back to that.

Anyway, enjoy the next few months, One Direction, because they’re your last."

Suddenly, I have a lot more respect for Mr. Fatone after reading this. Probably because he's exactly right. Too funny!

You can also read why most boy bands don't burn out, they fade away here.

Good luck, boys!